I do not feel like myself

My husband's been dead for a little over a year now. He died when he was 36, and I had just turned 37.

Anyway, I'm 38 now. I have no ability to be a person anymore. I find everything I used to enjoy triggering and depressing. If it weren't for these elderly cats we adopted 13 years ago, I would have gone after him. It was a seemingly random heart attack that took him. Had no idea he even had a heart attack til the autopsy. That's how random it felt.

He was my caretaker. I'm mentally ill and I came to rely on him for the duration of our 20 year relationship. I'm on Disability which helps me feed the cats. I'm looking for subsidized housing now. I think I found something but idk.

Anyway, I feel like now, more than ever, I'm having an oob experience. I just kinda exist to take care of these cats and nothing more. Nothing really matters anymore. I can't enjoy myself. I don't like spending time with anyone besides him. All my interactions feels forced. Like I love my family and am super grateful to them in my time of need but it isn't the same. I'm not the same.

Most days I fantasize about ending my life. It's all I wanna do. I'll admit, fear is a factor that's holding me back. But it's chiefly these cats. He picked them out and they absolutely adore me. The least I can do is keep them safe and happy until they catch up with their Daddy on their own. I'm sure he'd be furious with me if I abandoned them, even in my grief.

And like, I know he wouldn't want me to be depressed over losing him... But he can't be surprised that I am. He knows me.