The start of my turning point and why you should never trust a pastor

A few months back I used to be deep into Christianity to the point of possible psychosis, I would cry whenever I started daydreaming and would beg for god’s forgiveness, I would cry and become extremely sad whenever I fell into my hyper sexual urges among other things.

The start of the turning point for me was when I was talking to my cousin who’s a pastor about the stuff I went through. I told him that I had been raped over 100 times, assaulted numerous times by fellow Christians, abused, medically neglected ect. I also told him about the stuff that was happening to me online, I was trying to explain to him why I put myself in the position to get groomed but then he started blaming me for everything. I remember he said “it’s your fault that you’re depressed” “it’s your fault that you got groomed” “it’s your fault that you feel this way” and I was honestly taken aback, I thought I could trust him but it was evident I couldn’t. I’m actually trying not to cry while typing this.

I was trying to say that I don’t feel as if my parents love me and instead of validating my feelings he started yelling and saying that they do love me. I’m not sure if they do tbh but I am grateful for the food they give me even though I don’t appreciate being called a demon and getting yelled at.

I stopped really being a god obsessed person at that point, the people in my life who have hurt me are mostly Christians and I currently have a deep hatred for them. I felt the need to post this for some reason and I’m currently not getting groomed anymore, I’m a satanist (full 180 lol) and I feel way better mentally.